Are you beyond suffering?

Here’s a question I got asked recently: 

Having done all the work you’ve done, how are you doing these days? Are you beyond suffering?

My 2 cents: if you were to come across a spiritual teacher who claims to have transcended suffering, I posit that your BS detector light should begin to blink red if not fully sending you in the opposite direction. It’s not that such people don’t exist, rather that they are such rare gems (think: Rupert Spira, maybe? People who have transcended thoughts and are at a state of being one with everything throughout their life are a very, very rare breed…) you want to be wary of those claiming to be in such a state without a deep and thorough investigation. What was it that Ram Dass once said? “If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family” - maybe ask to see them again after such a week and then decide?

Now, all kidding aside, and back to the question: Yes, I suffer. In fact, right about now I am Suffering Greatly with a capital S and a capital G. Thankfully (or regrettably - depends on whom you ask), I am keenly aware of my suffering when that is what is up. With gratitude, when possible, and if not thoroughly overwhelming (as it certainly has been during some of the days these recent months) I try my best to allow myself to fully feel it. My mind will want to ask all the WH questions, such as: Why is this happening? What happened in my past to warrant it? Who did this to you? When did it happen exactly? But none of these actually matter. The only WH questions that matter are who is suffering and how can I be of service to him right this moment? In fact, if I could give myself the gift of my “life in words, play by play” book, detailing everything that has happened to me in my life minute by minute, play by play, and I could find the episodes of neglect or abuse and read about them, would I be rid from the suffering? Would that take away the pain from me? Would understanding or being detail informed what happened, when and with whom, be the end of it? Absolutely not. So I do my best to try and not figure it out, or understand, explain and analyze it, but rather allow myself to fully be with my emotions, as big as they may get (and I am not talking the shiny lovey dovey emotions, like happiness and joy, but those “nasty, dark ones” like big anger and grief, very deep grief) and when I am truly not fully blended with them, which is hopefully and gratefully slowly getting to be more often than not (but no way near perfect), I can even tend from my adult self to the parts that are feeling sad, angry, distraught. Speak to them, sing to them, caress them. Tend to these young wounded children, all of whom reside concurrently in the tissues of my body, with their memories (unavailable to my conscious mind’s awareness) trauma and all. But in no way am I beyond suffering. 

Anecdotally, I did have the blessing (or the curse, again, depends on whom you ask) of two weeks somewhere in April of 2023 when I was devoid of any uninvited thoughts, slate wiped totally clean, and that was truly heaven on earth, but, alas, it was an awakening of the non-abiding type, meaning - it came and it went. And, arguably, that fall from grace has been a harsh one, once I knew what “enlightenment” felt like, but it served to also profoundly inform my awareness on what I needed to do next and it is painfully all that more informing when I am not there.

So, for those of us who are not as ongoingly blessed as Mr. Spira, what can we do about it?

First, we can become aware. Without awareness in the moment that “this” (whatever this is) is up, we cannot begin to want to or try to do anything about it. Awareness, in a way, is a pre-condition. A doorway. And awareness comes and goes. First it goes more than it comes, but with time and practice it comes more than it goes.

Second, once and if aware, and if not overwhelmingly blended with those big emotions and the accompanying (sometimes terrifying) thoughts, we can invite curiosity and compassion. We can investigate our thoughts without being attached to them. We can observe them, we can love them, we can not judge or begrudge them (thoughts on thoughts), and we can let them go and the emotions can release from the body and be let go and laid to rest (by the way, emotions are a group function, so if you can be witnessed sometimes in your emotional releases, even better).

Now, I can’t stress it anywhere near enough, that these two seemingly benign pieces of advice above are truly only seemingly benign. This might take a lifetime of practice and failure. This might be extremely frustrating (a judgment to itself, furthering us from that blessed state of non-attachment). And yet, what’s the alternative? Being swept away by emotions and undercurrents? Turning away from them using age-old strategies such as addictions (to substances, habits or thoughts) or avoidance, disassociation and numbing? If we choose this path, of looking the other way, life will have to ultimately speak louder to us until it grabs our attention, and if that too still fails, perhaps we leave our soul with no choice but to invite an even more meaningful redo in the next round? And more importantly, when has running away from something really worked for anyone in the long run? The only way out is through. Let us all remember that and bow before the one who has made it so.

Serendipity: why this beautiful word symbolizes our mind's limitations

When I first ran into the word serendipity, I fell in love with it. It is such a beautiful word I thought, and symbolizes something very profound. This happened back in 2001 when a comedy by that name appeared with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale in leading roles. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines serendipity as “the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for”. A fluke. An agreeable, random phenomenon. A happenstance that in a singular moment forces our mind to recognize that there may be an occasional order to the madness it normally perceives as existence in this universe. This serendipitous moment, for a blink of an eye, makes the mind recognize there might even be, heaven forbid, some favorable nature to the order of the universe. And then, poof, we are back to the murkiness and away from this moment of clarity. Back to swimming in uncertainty and the mind’s perception of a less favorable universe, all depending on the degree of control we imagine we have or don’t have each moment.

And therein lies the rub.

The universe, as disorganized as it may appear to our meaning and order seeking egos, is always in order, always synchronized. It is just that our egos are not aware of anything but a fraction of a fraction of the total landscape and happenings, a pixel of the entire universal image and scenery. This design of the ego to only see a sliver of what is really going on at a time is designed so that we can maintain a modicum of control that will allow us to try and be at ease in a world that is out to eat us alive. Remember, we are humans, and as such, we belong somewhere in the middle of the food chain on this planet, and have only recently got to the top of the pyramid thanks to a fluke (read Terence McKenna’s food of the gods for one theory about how this came to be) but we are utterly unworthy of it judging solely by the immaturity of our egoic software. In such a dangerous world, narrowing your view to a sliver is important. It helps you identify risks and deal with them, but it is less conducive to witnessing or appreciating beauty. Think about arrow slits in medieval castles. They are great for defending the castle, but not really ideal for appreciating the panoramic views. It is from that slit that we make assertions and assumptions about the randomness of universal order. Surely, a very limited view. Serendipity is a word that epitomizes this very limited view as the ego is “shocked” to find out that things are actually in order, just before it forgets this again as it goes back to the arrow slit view until another “random” favorable moment comes along and strips the veil again for a few moments, and so on and so forth…

So what is the bottom line? There is no momentary serendipity. Everything is serendipitous. Everything is always in order, it is just not our mind’s concept of order, which is really about a yearning for ongoing control and avoidance of pain. The good news, practices of widening the slit and becoming more and more present to what is (here’s one) do make it better.

Late to the movie: why your ego may be struggling with some of your more painful habits

When you were conceived, swam in your mother’s womb, and finally emerged into this world, you already had life, a soul in you, and yet no ego. In psychoanalysis, ego is defined as “the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity”.

Your ego began forming somewhere between the end of your first six months of life to age two and picked up the role of managing the business of being “you” in the world since that time. 

Every human runs into all sorts of life-related circumstances, joys and tribulations, throughout their life. Some are circumstances the little “i” of your ego has full control over, some only partial control, and some offer no option of control whatsoever. Suffering tends to increase the less control your ego has over these circumstances. And it is there that your ego begins to develop strategies to ascertain and maintain more control. While strategies start very early on in life, they tend to outlive their expiration date as you get older (think of the term midlife crisis for example) which in turn - as one fails to let go of these strategies - increases one’s suffering even further than the circumstances these strategies were originally designed to address. A classic example would be non-reality-changing worrying thoughts. Let’s say there’s a test you need to study for. It is surely enough that you have midnight oil burning studies to complete for this test, but having worrying thoughts about the option of failure likely will not change the outcome of the test for the better, but these worries can certainly contribute to anxiety which may hamper your chances, and even belly aches and possibly a need to use substances to numb these thoughts, substances which won’t necessarily help you with the studies or with clarity… you see where I am going with this, right?

But I actually do not mean to discuss here those circumstances which ego is aware of on some level or another. I want to discuss earlier life circumstances that preceded ego’s emergence and are thus outside of even its theoretical scope of knowledge. Case in point, safety and attachment, both are at the basis of the first core beliefs (in Hakomi speak) that babies form about the universe and the caregivers surrounding them. While there is zero guarantee of safety in this universe, every organism, even a single cell amoeba, will do its best to stay alive in the face of danger. When people around a newborn human are not safe, or the environment is one of, say, a war-torn region, a core belief about this universe not being safe can cement very quickly, even instantly, and every future outlook or observation about the nature of this universe following this belief’s onset is, implicitly and without egoic awareness, viewed through that lens. This view is very different from the view of an organism who had not cemented such a belief. Again, this has nothing to do with the objective fact that the universe in this material existence is entirely not guaranteed to be safe. It is about the subjective outlook on life and its circumstances. Similarly, our attachment patterns to key figures that are present in our life’s first and second year will impact how we attach further as we mature even though the ego wasn’t fully evolved yet when these beliefs set in. Consequently, attachment styles that match our subjective, initially favorable or unfavorable primary attachment experiences arise in us as humans as we mature: Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganized.

The way I like to think about it, is that when ego begins to emerge and form, it is very much akin to a moviegoer who entered the movie theater ten minutes into a fairly complex-plot film only to realize it has no clue about what happened in those first ten minutes. But it still views itself as responsible for addressing the “abnormalities” or difficulties arising from these first critical ten minutes. Since it has no clue about what actually happened, it can begin a life-long sisyphean task of throwing every strategy and the kitchen sink into trying to allay the pains resulting from those first ten minutes. To list a few such strategies, addictions to numb the pain, or heighten sensation; appeasement and manipulation attempts with other humans; and role reversals with a parent or parents, and later on with their own partners and children, to make sure it gets the love it does not really believe it deserves… etc, etc. Such patterns, which are really guesswork and patchwork attempts at resolving issues, the creation of which it was never privy to, often lead to very painful life experiences and complications.

It is my belief that talk therapy is quite ineffective in addressing core beliefs and woundings that are rooted in our preverbal states. These are woundings and beliefs that are literally stored in the body and in brain circuits that are not accessible to the egoic mind. I have seen people be able to address these beliefs and wounds far better than with talk therapy through a variety of somatic methods of which I will list a few methods which I personally love and appreciate: Hakomi; Tamura; Relational Somatic Healing; Aguahara and Watsu methods. These methods engage with the egoic mind gently and respectfully to relax the defense mechanisms around the woundings, but then use somatic practices to rewire the neurons that have fused together to create our responses to the challenging circumstances of our early lives. Each of those does this differently but they all take precious time to make sure no protectors (managers or firefighters) are being overrun on the way to exposing and tending to the exiles (to borrow from IFS terminology). I highly recommend finding practitioners of these healing arts if you have an increasing sense that your ego is not quite successful with its attempts at resolving your painful and your less productive habits.

Noam Kedem, 12-2023

Just do it.

One of the main reasons people come to do this work is because they feel stuck, unhappy with reality as it is, and they’re wishing for change. So we start by sifting through what’s here and sorting out what needs addressing and in what order of priority, based on several different modalities. But curiously, once we get to the actual work of trying to usher in change, we more often than not run into resistance. In Hakomi, resistance is referred to as intelligence. We learn to respect it, honor it, befriend it, and get to know what it’s doing there in the first place. I mean, someone set foot through my door asking for change, that’s clear. And yet, even as we’re  contemplating change and what’s needed to get there, another part is resisting — a part that’s not on board with the program. 

Why do people resist the very change they desire? In The Mindset terminology, resistance comes from the mind (the heart holds the big emotions like sadness, joy or anger, a well as desires and wishes. The center is the knowing adult, and the mind is sometimes the young one who had to grow up fast and put on a mask to protect us from pain and often holds fear underneath the surface). The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model posits that resistance  often comes from one of two internal protector types, the managers (who generally run our daily strategies and coping mechanisms) or the firefighters (who swoop in when the managers seem to fail). Each type has good intentions, doing its best to prevent the part that is carrying the pain (in IFS speak, the exile) from ever showing its face, because the memory of the original pain is just too great. Childhood memories are usually stored, and therefore unavailable to the conscious mind, in a body that keeps the score, if I may borrow from Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s book title.

Back in the fifties, sixties, and even seventies, articles would be published from time to time about Japanese soldiers who were found hiding in the jungles of Pacific Theater islands, still thinking the Second World War was being waged. These parts inside of us are a bit like those soldiers, thinking the wars of childhood are still being waged, and still operating based on their survival command set. They never got the word, the order, to lay down their arms and become veterans who can get treatment for their PTSD. 

One such example is Clint, a wonderful man whose staunch mind has a few key tactics for preventing change — even though that's the same change he’s  pursuing because he really doesn’t like where he is at right now. Byron Katie always asks in Question 4 of The Work, “Who would you be without the thought?” Who would you be without your story about yourself? The answer to that question is unknown, and the mind, our protectors, don’t like unknowns. There is a story about Papaji, Gangaji’s teacher, once coming to France to give a talk and finding all hotels were booked. One of his disciples offered to let him stay on her enclosed terrace, but under one condition. When Papaji asked what condition that was, she answered “Don’t take my suffering away from me, I am too familiar with it.” And therein lies the rub. The mind will apply every tactic in the book to prevent moving in the direction of change, mostly out of fear of the unknown or even just the mere fear of failure and shame.

One tactic of covert resistance is analysis paralysis. Say, for example, with Clint: we both know what needs to be done, what action needs to be taken, what discipline needs to be applied. But Clint’s mind has questions. Why? What? How? Where? Which? In fact, though, no answer to these questions will  allay the mind’s concerns, because when you give an answer the mind will immediately produce another question. The mind’s chief concern isn’t knowledge, it’s preventing forward motion at all costs. 

Once a client came to me with a list of questions his wife had given him to ask me before starting the work. The last question was the best one. “What if the change this work causes is permanent?” We looked at each other and then he realized the humor in the situation. Are you here for temporary session-long change, or do you want permanent change?

Take walking, for example. If our minds (our survival-oriented, thinking ego) was in charge of walking, it would look something like this: When should I rise from the chair? What foot should I set my weight on first? Are you sure it shouldn’t be the other one? What about the next step? Should we not think about that first? The mind is incessant like that. To break free from this paralysis, we can first ascertain that there is no imminent threat, no real life-threatening situation that prevents us from trying a new practice or from introducing a bit of change to our set routines.  Then, once we’ve gotten permission from the internal protectors — from the mind — to try something different (after all, why are you here again?), the choice is yours. Do you want to think about it, or do you want to just get up and walk? 

Yes, at times these choices might feel like an ice bath plunge. You really don’t want to do it, you know how cold it will get, but —  it’s not going to kill you even if your mind screams bloody murder, because that old war from childhood is over, you’re no longer at risk of survival, and you can just do it. Take the ice bath plunge each and every time, and eventually you will learn that the mind has a lot of false alarms for you based on those old wartime instructions. The war is over, you’re safe. Just do it.

So, what is this work about?

It's about bringing softness to harshness,
Question marks to exclamation points,
Unknowing to knowing,
And knowing to unknowing.
It's about introducing healing to wounding,
Heart to mind,
Perspective to narrow mindedness,
Purpose to aimlessness.
It's about noticing wonder in the ordinary,
Okayness in what is,
Is in should,
Can in could,
Am in would.
It's about substituting forgiveness for blame,
Acceptance for shame,
Being for doing,
Patience for restlessness,
Clarity for confusion.
And it's about accepting the imperfection in perfection,
And perfection in the imperfection.
And most of all, it's about loving all, starting with yourself.
Come inside the tent, there's room for everyone here.

The plans and the dandelion.

What a time to be alive in, huh? There are some serious challenges, some amazing blessings, and some we might not be quite sure about… I would like to address one of those in this post.

One of the outstanding lessons this period has provided in one fell swoop has to do with the concept of plans and planning.

What are plans?

The dictionary definition says: 1. a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something; 2. an intention or decision about what one is going to do.

These are well connected of course. I want to address the latter: our intentions or decisions about what we are going to do. Going to do = in the future. The tense we are looking at is key.

You may have heard from different spiritual teachers that the only thing that is real is that which exists in the current, fleeting, infinite present moment. The past exists in our mind through memories, which are our subjective recollections of what has already passed and are effectively gone, even if we cling to them extremely tightly in the present moment. No moment will ever return, and no moment is ever remembered in the same exact way by any two or more people. Similarly, the future is made of possibilities, projections that we place on it using our individual and cultural core beliefs about life, what’s right and what’s wrong, even if we cling to those by firmly believing certain future outcomes in the current moment. It’s not the outcome that is real, rather it’s the thought, story, or belief about it that is burdening us in the present moment. The only thing that is “really” real is this current moment, as brief and uninteresting as it may be compared with the vastness and depth of the past and the ever-beguiling promise of the future.

So to what category do plans belong? Plans are a bit deceptive. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have some plans, right? And therein lies the rub. It’s not about having or not having plans. Having plans is perfectly fine. It’s the level of our attachment to them that matters, or how invested we are in their execution and outcome.

Take the COVID-19. How many plans got partially or entirely blown away due to a virus particle smaller than 125 nanometer? Zillions. If you think about it for a moment, I am sure you can name such decimated plans on the individual, familial, friends, city, county, state, country, and global levels. So, when these plans got scrapped, what determined your response? What made the difference between a short shoulder shrug with a “$#!+ happens” attitude toward some plans evaporating, and a blown-gasket attitude toward other plans being scrapped? The difference is in how attached we were to begin with to these plans and their outcome. What is attachment? Attachment has to do with desire, with wanting. And attachment results in suffering. As stated in the Buddha’s four noble truths: Truth No. 1 is that there is suffering. You were born? Welcome to suffering. That’s pretty much it. Why? Truth No.2: it is because of attachment. If you want to read more about how this works, I recommend this short summary here.

One factor often associated with attachment to plans is their cost. If you just finished pouring $50,000 into your bathroom renovation project with intent to sell your house when complete, well, you’re now $50,000 short. But what’s more important is that the plans you had to sell the house and have this money (and more!) back in your bank account have both gone out the window.

Another factor is the perceived “wrongness” of what happened to those plans. How “unfair” it was for this to happen. It “really shouldn’t” have happened. This has to do with an attitude of arguing with reality. The greater our attachment to the plan, the more unfair this virus seems to be and the greater the feeling of “this shouldn’t have happened.” As Byron Katie likes to say, “When I argue with reality I lose, but only 100% of the time.” And sure enough, we lose twice. Once, because our plan was flushed down the toilet. And twice, because we are now busy clenching our mental fist and waving it at the universe: “How could you do this to me? It’s not fair!” (in the matter of self blame, Tara Brach calls this second piece the second arrow. The dynamic is the same, first there’s the actual issue we are struggling with, and next comes the compounding cherry on top in the form of blame).

Let me ask you something. When was the last time you heard the phrase “it’s not fair” spoken in an argument and who was it that said this sentence? I am willing to bet that it was either a very long time ago when you were a child, or, that if it was more recent, it was spoken by a child. You may even remember an adult, non-compassionate response such as “Who said life was fair?”; maybe it was even you who responded that way. But when it comes to our plans — plans into which we have invested a whole lot of future portfolio— we really don’t appreciate it, and we revert to that child-like mode. In the example above, where you’d intended to sell the house, let’s say you already had plans for the money in order to travel this summer. You took time to plan the trip, book hotels, etc., so you now have secondary and tertiary damage from the dissolution of those funds: plans on top of plans on top of plans. Who is the adult you are complaining to? Well, there are several options here too. You may be complaining about the Universe, or God. What twisted universe would do something like this? Perhaps you are complaining about another human being, say your partner or spouse, trying to blame them for the scenario you yourself carefully planned: “Why did you convince me to go ahead with this renovation?” or “Why didn’t you stop me?”. Regardless, reality isn’t sitting well with you and finding someone responsible would seemingly help restore some order. At least I am not responsible, heaven forbid… right? (Again, not that self-blame is any better. What would happen if responsibility could come with no blame tag attached?)

Well, contrary to what you might think, I am not opposed to making plans. In fact, I am pretty good at that and think plans are just fine. What I suggest is taking these plans with a grain of salt whenever possible — making the plans but not getting too attached to them. On a seemingly entirely different subject, that of compassion, the Dalai Lama points out that we can have compassion without attachment: “Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations.” In other words, it is possible to have compassion without attachment as long as we don’t project or expect the other to behave and do what we expect or want them to do. It’s a general sense of compassion, not dependent on behavior, preference, or outcome. It’s exactly the same with plans for the future. Have them by all means, but refrain from building concrete projections and expectations on top of your plans so as to leave them in a more airy and transient state. More frequently than not, this allows us to avoid getting attached to them. The visual I get when I think of my plans is that of the dandelion. Have a look at a beautiful photo of one. Such a beautiful structure, such perfect magnificence. And? With a single, gentle blow of the wind, it’s all gone. Not here, as if it never was. But maybe, just like with the seeds of the dandelion, are your plans really gone, or will their brief moment of existence potentially serve as the seed to whatever needs to happen or arise next? Such are our plans. We can make them, and let’s not get married to them. Try as best as we can to remind ourselves that plans are a part of the future, and the future? Well, the future is nothing more than an entirely fictitious set of possibilities, most of which we can’t necessarily imagine until they are already in the present. If we don’t appreciate surprises or like to stay in control, the universe will provide us with countless opportunities to learn the lesson of non-attachment. And that is guaranteed.

I hope this helps, love,

Noam

Feel free to leave comments and thoughts below.

Leading from a place of abundance and stocking up on compassion.

The COVID-19 pandemic is here and is likely to expand exponentially before it subsides.

Many people have decided to self-impose a lockdown on their families and loved ones for the purpose of “social distancing” which is currently the best known way to stave off the expansion rate of COVID-19. It's really physical distancing… We don't want to social distance anything. If anything, we need social solidarity.

At times like this, when we go to the supermarket and see empty shelves, devoid of toilet paper, canned foods, hand sanitizing products and bottled water, the mind tends to fall back into survival mode, fulfilling its role in assuring the survival of our gene pool. This is a contracted state of consciousness. Me first. My family first. Surely, there won’t be enough for everyone. This is a place of scarcity based on a grim outlook projected by the mind onto the future. Fear is here. Worries, concerns, and actions stemming from these contracted thoughts. I’ve posted about this before, feel free to scroll down and read.

Many of us have secure jobs, or at least we are fortunate to have salaries we can fall back on as our companies tell us to stay home and work using video and collaboration platforms such as Zoom, Slack and Microsoft Teams to name a few. This is very fortunate. We have a stable income, we can take the time to slow down some and be with our children (both our real children, and, the inner ones inside of us who may be having a similarly stressful and tough time, not having been comforted adequately during our childhood).

As we take the time to do that, consider the people around us who might not be as fortunate. The cleaning person. The gardener. The weekly babysitter. The small business owner who supports your family ecosystem day in day out (the private preschool owner, or the piano teacher, for example). Here in the US, there is no social insurance net to fall back on. Nothing to catch you when your income well dries up all at once. There is no universal basic income (UBI). Wall Street, airlines and hotels may get massive incentives and bailouts. José the gardener won’t. Mariam the cleaning lady won’t. Josie the next door neighbor won’t. Their income could simply evaporate all at once.

What can we do? For one, due to our fortunate status, we may continue to pay them even if we don’t actually utilize their service right now. Maybe it’s an advance. Maybe it’s a gift. It doesn’t matter. The idea is to not kill off their income source all at once over something which will and must pass. All things must pass.

So, at this time of need, let’s think of those who need more help than us. Help that we are fortunate not to be needing. Let’s not lead from a place of mind-based worry thoughts, scarcity and fear. Let’s lead with our hearts from a place of abundance and compassion, and make sure that those who need our help day in day out can continue to rely on it.

I also want to stress again how important it is NOT to social distance, only to physically distance. This is especially true for the elderly members of our extended families. Stay in touch with them, check in with them, daily, regularly, help put their minds at ease as needed. Isolation can be very very detrimental to their state of mind. And there's absolutely no need for any isolation other than the physical one. Skype/Zoom, WhatsApp, FaceTime, or simply call. Use whatever means of communication you have to stay connected.

Lastly, here’s a great suggestion for a 20 seconds hand washing matra:

“May all beings be safe.

May all beings be content.

May all beings be healthy.

May all beings live with ease.”

And don’t forget to stock up on compassion.

Love,

Noam

Feel free to post your comments and share your thoughts below.

The Mona Lisa's smile and the most difficult asana in Yoga

What do the Mona Lisa’s smile and the most difficult asana in yoga have in common?

The Mona Lisa, or La Gioconda, is Leonardo da Vinci’s Renaissance masterpiece which hangs at the Louvre Museum in Paris. She has a mysterious, captivating smile which has captured the attention of humans ever since she was painted in 1503. The model was a Florentine noble woman by the name of Lisa del Giocondo who was forever immortalized by the great artist. Her smile is one part of our topic today.

The second part, is what is known as the most difficult asana in yoga. No, it’s not any of these formidable poses. It’s seemingly the easiest pose of all, the Corpse Pose, or Savasana. What makes a relaxation pose arguably the most challenging pose in yoga? And what does this have to do with La Gioconda?

Both La Gioconda and Savasana can teach us something about how to meditate, relax our tensions and return to center in the face of an adverse onslaught of thoughts. Got any of those lately? I thought so…

First, to the smile.

As it turns out, per this article, each time you smile, there’s a whole lot of goodness which happens in your body as a result. Some of the smile’s benefits are in the release of dopamine, endorphins and serotonin. Your body may feel more relaxed, your blood pressure may drop and so could your heart rate. Babies and children know it. Adults forget it. A child may smile up to 400 times a day, not to mention experiencing a hearty belly type laughter. Adults? Maybe 20 times a day…

Try it now. Sit down in a comfortable position, or lay down, and close your eyes. Think of something semi difficult you are facing today. Don’t go for 11 on the suffering dial. Something like a 3 or 4 would do. Let yourself connect with your face muscles. Notice the harshness of your lips, any clenching of the jaws. Notice any frown muscles between your eyebrows. Notice the hardness of your belly, any resistance in the chest and lower throat. Any tightness in your shoulders and neck. Bookmark this snapshot of you.

Now, gently, slowly, in mindfulness (read: moment to moment awareness) as you bring to your mind’s eye the image of La Gioconda, gradually allow just the tips of your lips to rise by perhaps 1/8th of an inch, or less, maybe a millimeter, as if pulled upwards very gently by an invisible thread. Notice the difference in your facial expression. Notice the shift in your shoulders, neck, the chest and the belly. Feel the softening. If you can’t feel a difference, allow that mysterious semi-smile to evolve a bit further, even if it first feels incongruent with the theme you have chosen. What are you noticing now? Have a curious attitude about it, be open to registering the change. Bookmark your sensations and the difference between those and the ones which preceded. I use this trick often when meditating and noticing myself in argument with reality, hardening to what is. The La Gioconda’s smile is a great way to begin to soften.

Now, to the Corpse Pose, Savasana. As this Yoga Journal article suggests, “Savasana is a practice of gradually relaxing one body part at a time, one muscle at a time, and one thought at a time. When you do this practice day after day, it conditions the body to release stress and can improve your sense of physical and emotional well-being. But when you have allowed tightness and tension to build up in your body, relaxing—even when you lie down—feels impossible. That's why it's important to practice the other, active asanas before attempting Savasana because they stretch, open, and release tension in the muscles. They also help relax the diaphragm, so the breath can move freely.”

The essence of this practice is about releasing stress, relaxing tension, mindfully (moment by moment with awareness) and intentionally (with intent and purpose). This practice is often very difficult because as you may have noticed, there’s always a place we find ourselves still holding on to stress. Try it now. Lay down (perhaps using the legs on the chair version if your back is hurting) or sit comfortably and begin a feet to head, or head to feet body scan. Note where you are holding tension, use the La Gioconda smile to allow yourself to release a bit of that holding wherever your scan takes you. Frowning muscles in the forehead? Check. Jaws clenching? Check. Shoulders being worn for earrings? Check. Neck and trapezoids in lift and burden mode? Check. Tightness in the throat? Check. Breath stuck in the upper chest? Check. Hardness bracing in the belly? Check. As Stephen Levine said, “the armoring of the heart can be discovered in the hardness of the belly.” In short, we hold and hold and hold so much, practicing Savasana not just in the yoga studio, but moment to moment, or in various times of the day, even sitting at your desk at work, not to mention while meditating, can yield beautiful results and benefits. Your body, heart and your soul will thank you, eventually, your mind may do so as well.

I hope this helps, love,

Noam

Feel free to comment below and leave your thoughts.

The negative bias of the mind. What is it, why is it here and what do I do about it?

Robin Sharma is often quoted saying our mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master (if you really want to see a wonderful commencement speech by David Foster Wallace who discusses this quote amongst other things about the mind and thinking, go here). Think about it for a second. The mind brought you to where you are, like it or not. Yes, it’s the bringer of anxiety and depression for a lot of us, but, without it, where would you really be? I mean, if you suffer from depression or anxiety, the reasons are likely rooted in your past, in your childhood, and if that childhood wasn’t perfect (whose childhood is perfect? I don’t want to be friends with such people… ;) - I will take a wild guess and say that your mind was likely the one to save your hide in many circumstances that could have gone a lot worse. True or false? And yet, we really don’t like our minds for driving us crazy with internal chatter and incessant thoughts. But why do they keep on doing it in the first place?

Let’s take a trip back in time, say a few thousands of years. Perhaps a couple of tens of thousands. Your great great great grandfather and grandmother were roaming the great plains of the African savanna and what is known today as the Sahara desert. And they weren’t alone. They shared their habitat with a whole bunch of nasty characters which were out to feast on your grandparents’ flesh. Leopards, tigers, bears, lions, eagles, crocodiles, other primates, you name it. In short, your ancestors were not at the top of the food chain. Arguably, we got to the top of the food chain entirely by happenstance (Terence McKenna proposed the Stoned Ape theory as one possible explanation). Not gracefully evolving to occupy the top spot over millennia like lions, crocodiles or sharks… So while today we are at the top of the food chain, our brain’s evolution hasn’t quite caught up with the new situation. Is’s still every bit as paranoid and ever-preparing to save us from impending doom as it was back in prehistoric days.

So, let’s imagine that you’re standing outside of your cave, or below the canopy of the tree you spent the night on, and there’s a rustling sound in the bushes. Which response from your mind will yield better survival chances? Pick your choice: 1) It’s a deadly creature - run for your life!!! or, 2) It’s nothing to worry about, keep chillin’ like a villain. Yes, the mind that went for option 1 was more likely to live to tell the tale of how he or she escaped from the claws of the leopard that jumped them from behind. And the ancestor who chose option 2, well, let’s just say that if he or she lived today they would be good candidates for the Darwin awards.

So, you can see, how for a primate living dangerously in the middle of the food chain, a negatively biased, suspicious mind is an asset in the preservation of the gene pool. But of course, nowadays, there’s a rub. We are no longer in the middle of the food chain, and, civilization as a whole has gotten a lot more civilized in recent decades so that the risks to one’s life and well-being, at least in this part of the world, are entirely minuscule in comparison with what our ancestors had to endure. And the mind doesn’t know that, and doesn’t appreciate being unemployed. So it’s still very busy as if you are in the savanna. Only now, leopards, lions and other carnivores have been replaced with taxes that need to be paid, e-mails from the boss that need to be addressed, power point presentations that need to be prepared, and of course, perceived threats to our fragile egos from friends, acquaintances, partners and spouses. Our minds will take the inputs just as they did back in Africa and will process them with a negative bias. “If you don’t pay your taxes on time, you will be fined, or worse, jailed.” - and if you really allow yourself to investigate this thought it all the way through, you will see that what the mind really does is just a shortcut pointing to the ultimate fear: death, preferably alone. Here’s how it goes. If you don’t pay your taxes, you will be jailed, your wife will leave you, you’ll end up penniless on the street and eventually die of cold and disease with no one to care for you. The mind only needs the starting point of this story to imagine quietly in the background where it all can go in an instant: abandonment and death. What’s the result? Fear. A lot of fear. And of course, lots of fears, lots of anxiety.

Now, the mind can only pull such stunts because we leave our thoughts and internal chatter uninquired. In fact, our entire life, says Byron Katie, our entire identity, had been built on the trust and uninquiring innocence of a child. The mind counts on you not ever inquiring to continue to reign supreme without interruption. The Work™ of Byron Katie provides one way of inquiring after your thoughts. There are other ways of course and even more teachers than there are ways. But make no mistake, without inquiring, you are bound to live in a world made up by your mind from very elaborate constructs of thoughts, beliefs, stories, judgments, that may at times have very very little to do with reality.

Now, without awareness, there’s not much you can do. So, first step is to cultivate awareness. Learn to pick up on the clues that tell you your mind is telling you a story. Hey, if it’s a thought, it’s a story. Not all stories are wrong, but, learn to spot when a story is being told. If you are aware enough to catch yourself telling yourself a story, whether in real time (better!) or post fact (still, good!) - inquire. Is it true? Is what my mind suggesting real? And more importantly, since it likely isn’t, are there other ways of seeing this situation? (Byron Katie does that piece using the her “turn it around” portion of the method)

Here’s an example. A driver just cut me off on the highway. Negatively biased mind: “What an inconsiderate prick! They must think they are better than everyone else or that their time is more important…” however, what about option B? “Wow, this person must be in a terrible rush. Perhaps they have a child in the hospital that they really need to rush to?” there, now you’ve wiggled that casual judgment in its socket, it’s not as firm anymore. They are no longer pricks, and you are no longer holding on to the judgment. How does this make you feel in the moment? You’ve still been cut off on the highway of course, but perhaps it was for a good cause? Now, you might think this was a very benign example, however most of our judgments day to day, moment by moment are benign. My daughter forgot the door open and our dog came in the house and ate a piece of pizza that was left on the table (my dog has IBS so gluten is a very very bad idea for her, besides, that pizza was for me) - how inconsiderate of her! In other words: “my daughter is inconsiderate, or, she doesn’t take my needs into consideration.” Is this the only option here? No, but that’s where our minds often go. How about, my daughter was simply unaware that there was pizza on the table and she was actually being very considerate, of our dog, in letting her in. She is attuned to our dog’s needs and didn’t know about the pizza or my hunger for it, but I can see she is in resonance with the dog and with others’ needs. There, a different way of looking at the same situation. How do you feel now? See, with all these moment to moment judgments, you decide in what world you are going to live in. If it’s a world inhabited by pricks and inconsiderate people, or, by people who are trying to do good, be kind, not intent on hurting you. Remember my post about the world of mirrors? You create these mirrored images with your judgments, moment by moment. How about you write a different script for the likely scenario next time your mind decides to tell you a story?

I am going to conclude with a quote from Mark Twain that points out the obvious negative bias of future thoughts, aka worries. Worries are thoughts about the future that have a negative skew to them. I am sure that in this age of Covid-19 panic, you may be experiencing some right now… well, are they the only script you can write in your head? Maybe there are other options? Name a few. Anyway, Twain said: “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” - what’s it like for you? Does this resonate with you too? If so, time to get up and do something about it. It won’t change by itself, it has no interest in doing so. And again, I highly recommend watching this speech by David Foster Wallace. Learn how to think better. You are the teacher and you are the student.

Love,

Noam

Please feel free to leave your comments and thoughts below.

How do you know growth is here, or the Lobster’s choice

In previous posts I’ve addressed the topic of fear and differentiated between two types of fear: the real, imminent type, and the thought-induced type. I have also posted about the nature of this world as a world of mirrors. Both of these posts may prove to be useful in recognizing when your personal growth is here asking for your attention.

Let’s say that you have a friend who said something to you at a social encounter, something that didn’t sit well with you. You got hurt, insulted, and for the past week, maybe more, have been simmering, brooding over this exchange. “He hurt me.” “He insulted me.”

OK. Let’s have a look at that.

Byron Katie always says: “No one can hurt me, that’s my job.”

What does she mean by that? She means that it’s not what’s been said to you that is causing the agitation. It’s your thoughts about what’s been said to you that are the actual trigger. Allow me to demonstrate. Let’s say that I said to you “you are one lazy bastard”. Now, if you know yourself to be a hardworking, diligent person, this statement will likely cause you nothing more than a raising of the eyebrow… “Noam must be having a really difficult day if he says this about me… I wonder what’s going on in his life.”

But what if I said to you “You are stupid and unworthy” and you have a core belief that you are indeed unworthy, never good enough, what then? I would bet $100 that you might get ticked off. Why? Because I pushed a button that is already there, tightly embedded inside of you. It’s like the board game Battleship. I try to guess your ships’ locations on the board. I try “What are you hiding in location A5?” and you have no vessel in that part of the board, so nothing happens. I say “A5” and that’s where you deployed your aircraft carrier, and “kaboom” there’s much drama to unfold. Same “A5” in both cases, but the outcome depends on what was already set on your side of the board. Same with what people say to you about yourself. If you already believe it onto yourself, “kaboom”. If you don’t believe it, crickets.

Now, back to reality. You now have to meet with this friend, the one who “insulted you”.

If this friend is a real menace, meaning, if they are someone who repeatedly hurts you with purpose or casual disregard, you should absolutely draw your conclusions. As Byron Katie suggests, thank them. What for? For showing you who not to hang out with. There’s value in that.

But, if they made a sincere mistake, or uttered something (“A5”) without knowing or realizing your particular sensitivity about that and that’s not their typical MO, by all means, go ahead, meet with them, and name what happened so you can both grow from the experience and become better at attuning to one another’s needs (on how to do that, I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg as a great constructive way to provide feedback. It’s not about what was done or said to you, or who they are, rather it’s about how it makes you feel, something the other side is usually more open to hearing).

Now, here we get to today’s topic. Growth. Let’s say that my advice above (to reach out and meet with this person who “hurt you” so you can repair) makes you contract, shudder. “I don’t want to meet this person. They should apologize first. I don’t want to have to provide feedback…”

Let’s examine this. There is some fear here. Again, is the fear real or imminent? Is this a person who repeatedly hurts you and insults you? In that case, you likely already know what to do: stop seeing such people as they are not good for your well-being. I would still recommend closing business with such a person for your own benefit, but don’t do this expecting any change or outcome on their part. It’s solely for your own closure if you choose to do this.

But let’s say that they are a healthy, positive person in your life that happened to slip. What’s the fear in this case? It could just be fear related to speaking your truth, nothing to do with this particular person. A core belief that might be present here is the one about not being able to speak your truth and maintain connection (it’s either connection or truth, but not both, according to this core belief). Well, is it real or is it just very very uncomfortable? If it’s just your own core belief (that was formed in early early childhood as most core beliefs) wouldn’t you like to test its validity in 2020? What if you’ve been wearing the wrong core belief all these years and you could have both your truth and connection? That would be pretty radical, but how can you find out?

If it just feels uncomfortable, even if it’s very very uncomfortable, but it isn’t real, imminent fear, I suspect there may be some growth here knocking on your door. Growth often comes in the form of uncomfortableness. Sometimes I give an example of a smaller than thou t-shirt, which tells you you need a larger fit, but actually, the better example is that of the lobster. The lobster being a crustacean, is equipped with an exoskeleton. Its shell is its skeleton. It is its shell which protects its body from the various life-threatening menaces at the bottom of the ocean. The occasional octopus, fish or shark which will gladly gobble it up if it didn’t have this hard shell. Now, here’s the problem for the lobster. In order to grow, the lobster must molt, or shed its shell. During its first 5-7 growth years, it molts up to 25 times, and as an adult, it molts once every year or two. Imagine this life and death choice for a second. If I’m a lobster and I want to grow, I need to shed my shell, become mushy and soft for several weeks! Get this, only 15 minutes or so to molt, but then I need to be hanging around creatures who want to devour me for 6 to 8 weeks with as much protection as a piece of jelly? Yikes! But if I don’t shed my skin I will die, because my growth is dependent on it… so, the choice is between sure death if I don’t molt, to very possible death if I do. Nice. Aren’t you happy that you don’t face such a choice once a year? Your choice is between staying small and contracted, afraid of what your mind is telling you will be the end of you but really isn’t, managed by your fears of growing, or feeling the fear, the uncomfortableness, as you decide to not listen to your mind’s doomsday stories, leaning into the fear and growing.

To the mind, the possibility of growth, the unknown, the projections of what may happen, seem every bit as scary as the very real lobster’s choice. But is it real? Will you become jelly and get devoured? Or is this fear unwarranted and only here to provide you with the energy you need in order to take a leap of faith and prove your mind wrong (again)? It might just be the time to see for yourself…

Love,

Noam

Feel free to comment below and share your thoughts.

Embodied Contentment, or acceptance of reality... what's that about?

Embodied contentment. A place of complete and utter acceptance of what is, no matter how it is, so complete that you know it in your body to be true. All is well, no matter what. Seems like a lofty goal. How do we get there? Well, first off, there is no there to get to. That’s a trick question. It’s not a destination. You’re sitting on it.

In past posts, I mentioned that the body is always in the present moment. Pleasure, pain, a simple breath - when you are focused on your five senses (your sensory input) you are here, you are now.

When we are in (read: identified with) the mind however, we are either in the past or in the future. In the past, we often experience regret, shoulds/coulds/woulds, anger, sadness. Sometimes,we feel joy and happiness thinking about something good that happened in our lives, but - if that’s your main state, I think you wouldn’t be reading this post. When we are in the future, we worry, we fear, we plan, we get anxious. Our bodies will often display or experience various echoes of these past or future-oriented states of mind in the form of contractions, holding patterns, pain. Our thinking mind only knows past and future. It cannot experience the present moment, because it’s always busy interpreting, trying to identify risks through pattern recognition, always pointing at the present moment, forever locked outside of the actual experience. One image that comes to mind is that of Moses standing atop Mount Nebo in Moab, overlooking the Holy Land: “Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel.” You can overlook the present from the mind, but you can’t be in it.

So, in order to be in the present moment, you need to be out of your mind. Not in that sense… just out of your interpretive mind. Which means being in your body, in your actual sensory experience. There are plenty of suggestions about how to get better at doing that, some of which were discussed in previous blog posts. I will mention Jon Kabat Zinn’s shower meditation as one way to let yourself experience this. It’s a wonderful way to start or end the day.

If you are in the present moment, by definition you experience joy, love, peacefulness. As Byron Katie always asks, is there any problem right now? No matter what is going on in your life, in this current breath, in this fraction of a second, is there any issue? If you are true to yourself you know that there never is. The trouble begins when you get yourself a future or when you start reflecting on the past. And this applies to the immediate past or future too. They are still past and future, even if it’s only a second backward or forward.

Now, the purpose of the work we do in our sessions is to really change the ratio of how you spend most of your waking moments, so that you end up living more in the present and less in the past or the future. It may not seem like much, but even a 10% shift from thinking (past, future) to being (now, here) can bring a meaningful alleviation of suffering. It’s about reducing the mean time between being moments, times during which we forget and get engrossed in thoughts and loopy feelings, and instead to bring ourselves to a place where we can resiliently rest more and more in just being OK with where we are, who we are, and what is. This does not mean losing all ambition and striving for change. It just means accepting reality exactly as it is, as the springboard whence we can go places - as the platform on which true, lasting change can be built.

Let’s say you have a physical condition that is bugging you: a pain in the neck, figuratively and literally. If you ignore or refuse to recognize the pain, you will encounter suffering. Tara Brach says that pain x resistance = suffering. In other words, pain may be unavoidable, but resistance is entirely optional. In this case resistance can be defined as non-acceptance. For example, if you’ve got that pain in the neck, refusing to admit to yourself that your body hurts, may lead to not taking care of yourself properly, not providing your body with the rest it needs, not looking into getting help from professionals, etc. Now, what does acceptance mean? Does it mean you are accepting your condition from now to eternity? Does it mean anything about the future? No! Absolutely not. All it means is that you are accepting it as it is right now. Perhaps in five minutes it will be different. Perhaps tomorrow you will not have any pain. But right now, it’s here, so why deny it? Oftentimes, the issue is that we believe (and regarding the future, we always believe rather than know ; a belief is a strongly rooted thought, based on past experience, which in many cases gets projected onto a current or future situation) that by admitting something right here right now, we open the door for it to stay this way in the future. Our mind projects the present onto the future and says: “Hey, this is not a good idea… you will be weak, unwanted, imperfect… etc., etc.” (all depending on your core beliefs). But those are all projections. By accepting reality, fully embracing it, right here right now, you are simply stating what is, so you can make room for what needs to arise and happen next.

Now, if we can do this again, and again, and again, consistently, over time, we will effectively live (for the most part) in a state of acceptance, contentment, because at a risk of sounding trite, nothing is ever not the way it is, nothing is never as it shouldn’t be. It’s always, truly always, exactly as it should be, no matter what it is - Trump, Netanyahu, Johnson, and any other pain in the neck included. As Byron Katie likes to point out: “When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100% of the time.” It doesn’t mean you can’t immediately mobilize yourself to relentlessly work hard to change this reality, but do it when you have acceptance of reality in your pocket. It will be your greatest ally.

Love,

Noam

Please feel free to comment below and share your thoughts…

Toes, belly and breath medicine: More on fears and worries (thought-induced)

Fear is here. Right now. No, there’s no actual imminent threat (slithering snake, pouncing lion…). What is the fear about? It really doesn’t matter. Corona virus. A possible disaster. Dire financial straits… there are a million options for the mind to pick from.

Where am I? In my head.

How do I know I am in my head? Well, first off, until just now when I asked the question, I wasn’t even aware I had a body. Intellectually, of course I know I have a body, of course. But in the moment, I was swimming in thoughts, nowhere near my body.

My mind knows two timelines and two timelines only. Past and future.

In my past, reside my grief, sadness, anger. Also some joy, and happiness, but we’re not here for those, are we?

In my future, restlessly rest my fears, worries and resulting anxieties (the result of playing these fears and worries in a loop ad infinitum). I have a whole portfolio of those. A carefully managed portfolio. Hence the need for control and certainty in my life. Hence losing my cool when something doesn’t work right (according to plan, or expectation) - my entire future portfolio depends on it. As Byron Katie eloquently put it: “if you want suffering, get yourself a future”

And in the present? What? The everlasting fleeting present moment? This blink of an eye? Who gives it a second thought? It would be in the past by the time you give it your first thought, let alone the second… who thinks to invest time in such a narrow, thinly sliced piece of eternity? No portfolio, no promise about great riches, finding love, happiness, etc… it’s just a blink.

Well… not quite.

First, a quiz. What part of you is ALWAYS in the present moment?

Your body. Or more accurately, what you can perceive with your senses, within and without. This includes your sensations, as well as emotions which to some appear to be rising and falling within us entirely at random.

Now, back to that thought induced fear. As explained above, it’s a thought about the future. Even if you’re thinking about the mistake you just realized you made in the test paper you just submitted to the teacher, the fear is not about the mistake you made, it’s about the ramifications of it in… you guessed it, the future. It could seriously damage that portfolio of future promises you so painstakingly took time to build. Hence the fear.

So I have a thought about the future that is causing me worry. Now, there’s a popular YouTube video of Gaur Gopal Das pointing out the futility of worries here. That’s a sweet video, but frankly, if you’re not in on the secret of how to get rid of future fears and worries, all it provides is a comical break that tickles your intellect, which then immediately comes back with a the same question: “OK, but seriously, how do I stop worrying about this?”

So, here comes your greatest ally: your body. Take a moment to remind yourself of the key intersections in your life where you made your biggest decisions. Were these decisions the result of arduous intellectual mastery that yielded a nice little packaged clarity of thought about what to do next? Rarely. I typically find that our biggest decisions were made either from our gut* (“I just knew it” - hence the term “gut feel”), or taking a leap of faith toward what felt (in the gut? chest?) right after a prolonged thought process that yielded absolutely nada except for more confusion and frustration. Now, sometimes, we took the opposite decision to what our gut told us, and most often than not, that decision was made out of fear and we might be paying for it years and decades later… *Aboriginal Australians believe that ”we have three brains. The biggest brain is the gut, the instinct, and it sits in the belly. The second biggest brain is the heart and the emotions. The smallest brain, the logical brain, sits in the head. The word they use for the smallest brain is that same word they use for a fishing net that is tangled up beyond repair (and totally screwed).” - interesting, eh?

And so, let’s lay down, and move away from our heads. How? Focus on your belly. Focus on your wiggling toes. Focus on your breath - belly breath deep breath. Thoughts will offer themselves (free of charge, come get yours now…) - but you will steadfastly go back to your senses, to the present moment, to the now. My toes, my belly, my breath. Deep breath. “But there’s fear… what about X…?” and back you go to your belly, toes and breath. Your belly may even be contracted with the fear thought. That’s OK, talk nicely to your mind, understand that it is afraid (don’t get into the story of why it is so). It’s not trying to bug you in order to make your life miserable, even though that very well may seem so, it is really trying to alert you to a potential future and it has a negative bias about it, remnant of the times when you were in the middle of the food chain and your mind tried to tell you that the rustling in the bush was a bear and you better get out of there quickly. But now, you are no longer in the middle of the food chain, and there is no bear. It’s just your underemployed and overly busy mind still trying to warn you and keep you safe. Thank your mind, and go back to the belly, your toes, your breath. Remember to be nice to all of your parts. Nice but firm, “thank you, and, not now”. And back to sensations.

After a few minutes you may be surprised when you notice that the knot you felt in your tummy is no longer there. Hey, where did it go? The thought is not there to make the belly tight, so you soften and let go. If you want to practice softening your belly (that’s where tightness often begins), I highly recommend Stephen Levine’s audio book “To Love and Be Loved”. It’s a masterpiece and the soft belly meditation included within will untie massive knots and perhaps let out some profound emotions. Be forewarned: do not listen to Levine’s meditations while driving. Only in a safe, contained space, preferably laying down. And give yourself ample time afterwards, you may need it.

I hope this helps a bit. Feel free to leave comments.

Love,

Noam

Self compassion can be tricky. Here are some tips.

Kristin Neff has long been trying to convince us that self compassion is a stronger motivator than self esteem. She has the data to back it up, as the Ph.D. who researched this topic for years and compiled the results (you can find her wonderful book here). What is self compassion? Jack Kornfield stresses that if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. Neff defines self compassion as “acting the same way (as you would act towards another - NK) towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?””. She determines that self compassion is comprised of three elements: 1) self kindness vs. self judgment. Neff sums it up: “Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals“; 2) common humanity vs. isolation - just like in the Buddhist practice of Tonglen the idea is to know that suffering is a shared human experience, you are not alone in it; 3) mindfulness vs. self-identification. She defines mindfulness as “a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.”

And what is not self compassion? Self pity, self indulgence, or self esteem. The latter is a major culprit of a lot of egoic-based issues in our culture. Self esteem is all about comparing oneself to the other. How am I doing compared with my neighbor? This leads to stress, competitiveness, and a constant game of one-upmanship including having to put the other person down so I can stand on the higher ground.

One would think that competitiveness should be a strong motivator compared with self compassion, so what’s going on here? It might be true that on the way up, e.g., when things are going well for you, you have a leg up with self esteem which can pump your ego, your adrenaline and dopamine. But life is not a game of just up, up and up, is it? It’s a game of ups and downs, joy and suffering, even though we think it would be better if it only went up and up… (would we really want that? Alan Watts has something to say about this too, watch).

Neff explains, that self compassion is basically better overall to meet the nature of life’s ups and downs. Yes, you might not have as strong of a motivation going up as you do with comparative self esteem, but - when life gives you lemons, you are more likely to turn them into lemonade with self compassion than you are with self esteem which will make you feel like you are worthless and suck at what just failed for you: “self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” - the way I read this, and experience it, is that your overall batting average will be better with self compassion than with self esteem.

So, how do you develop your capacity for self compassion? People often times find it harder to develop self compassion, especially if you are someone who was put down by teachers, peers or parents during your childhood and internalized the harsh critical voice as your own. Well, thankfully, Kristin Neff’s website is a treasure trove of resources on how to help yourself to greater self compassion, from free MP3 audio guided meditations, to various exercises you can practice. I highly recommend visiting and downloading some. That said, I am sorry to disappoint you if you think that downloading them to your phone and placing your phone next to your head at night while you sleep will take care of things by way of osmosis… Unfortunately, you will need to practice. Daily. For weeks and even months. Hey, that critical inner voice you know so well, had years to develop… so it’s got a leg up on you when you start. But seriously, until we figure out the osmosis bit, practice, practice and practice. And while you are practicing, remember that having compassion for others and making sure to include yourself in that practice is a great way to sneak self compassion into your inner world. Tonglen again is a wonderful practice to try. Here are a couple of helpful videos to get you started. Pema Chödrön and Tara Brach (be sure to reset the video to the start on that Tara Brach one… for some reason it skips to the middle…)

Share your thoughts below. I hope this helps.

Love,

Noam

Fear is Here. Is it real?

I’ve been taught about two types of fear. The real, event-based type, and the thought, projection-induced type. In the first, a snake just slithered into your immediate proximity. Your survival brain, the reptilian part of you, as the universe’s humor would have it, will deal with this reptilian threat at a speed that is up to 400 times faster than what you can perceive and analyze with your neo cortex, and thankfully so. The blood commanded to rush into your legs, adrenaline pumps into your system, and all without having to wait for your slow-poke mind to make out the pattern of the snake and decide - oh, yes, a snake - run for your life… Think of it as a shortcut for survival.

The other type of fear, is the thought-induced, past pattern-based fear, often times projected into the not so immediate to far distant future. Example? let’s take the most common and most feared fear in the US - and no, it’s not death, it’s the fear of public speaking… You know a snake isn’t slithering your way, and a lion hasn’t pounced on you, yet the feeling in your gut is one of constriction and unease at best, and at worst, you wish the ground would swallow you whole rather than walk to that ominous podium… So, what is going on here?

Most often, the formula is as follows. Something about the impending future event (public speaking in this case) is similar enough to a pattern you’ve learned to fear in your past. Perhaps there was a degree of unskillful imprinting on you when you were younger. Maybe it wasn’t even your parents who always tried their best to encourage you. Maybe a snide remark was never made by a teacher. But really, all it took are a few instances where you offered your opinion at the dinner table, at the kindergarten’s courtyard, or later on in class, only to be mocked or ridiculed by a peer, a teacher, or just looked at in a funny way. A simple set of circumstances which may to the grown-up you seem entirely benign, can sear you as a child with shame, embarrassment and other negative emotions. Such emotions will be forever tied in your mind with speaking your mind, or being open and vulnerable to criticism. Your heart got poked and that was painful. Your mind registered the pattern: speaking your mind + people around you looking at you = strong potential for pain… QED: let’s not go there.

Now, how’s that got to do with the presentation you need to make at a company meeting? You’re supposed to discuss numbers, or your analytics data, and that shouldn’t be vulnerable, should it? Not quite… it is very vulnerable to your mind. Your mind only needs a few similarities between the current, present day engagement, and a past, painful formative event or set of events, and the neural network that triggered the original sense of shame (something is wrong with me) will be in full effect and you will want to hide or move to the North Pole. Anything but feel that feeling again.And here we are, moments from your turn to speak, perform, or appear confident, and you are trembling, feeling nauseous and looking pale as your Powerpoint slides. So what can you do?

First, what do most people do? What do you do when you see a snake slithering in your direction? You instantly move away from the threat, right? So our instinct is always to move away from pain and unpleasantness. Away from threat. In the case of the snake, I’d say that’s a wise decision, wouldn’t you? But what about here? Is there a real imminent threat such as in the case of the snake? Will you be devoured alive by the audience? Mocked and ridiculed with tomatoes thrown at you until you rush out the door and leave? Hey, if that’s the case, maybe you should consider a new company environment. If, in your company, mistakes are not fostered as a path for quick iterations, learning and growth, as Byron Katie says, thank your superiors. Why? Because they are showing you where not to be employed and who not to hang out with. But, if the threat is mostly your own thought-generated fears, and you don’t really think that you will be shamed and ridiculed, by all means, let’s go the other way than what our mind tells us. But how?

First, let’s get mindful. It’s not difficult with practice, even children can do it. What does mindful mean? I am not talking Om Shanti Shanti mindful. I am talking about moment to moment awareness of what is going on inside of you. Enlist your witness, that awareness inside of you that knows what is going on and is seeing you tensing up and feeling stomach unease. Create a bit of space between you and your temporary unease by narrating to yourself moment to moment what is going on. “Elevated temperature”. “Quick heartbeats”. "Sweaty palms”. “Short, shallow breathing”… what is common to all of these? They all belong to the basic, or first category of experience: sensations, e.g. - things you can perceive with your five senses. Your body and your breath are allies. Your body is always in the present moment as it doesn’t know past or future. Stay here, stay now. A thought may pop into your mind: “I am going to die on that stage. I am mince meat.” That’s a thought, or the third category of experience (thoughts, beliefs, stories, judgments, etc). Label the thought “fear thought”, and get immediately back to the first category: sensations. “My foot is tapping”. “There are voices in the other room” (sensations don’t have to be just in your body). “Smell of bagels”. “Tummy ache”. Another thought may arise: “you should have prepared better!!”… label it “should” and get back to the first category. “Dry mouth” (take a drink of water then, what are you waiting for?). “Tightness in my chest, dry throat". You get the drill. This is called a labeling meditation. Rinse, repeat. You may be surprised, but after a few moments of practicing this being here and now thing with your five senses, the thought-induced fear may very likely subside or entirely dissipate. See, actual emotions (the second experience category) don’t actually last longer than 1-2 minutes. There’s a caveat though. If you think about your emotions, that’s no longer an emotion, that’s a feeling, and feelings can last forever, looping inside of your mind and driving you nuts. But they are actually thoughts, not emotions - although as you can tell from all of the above, they can bring about the same physical symptoms as the emotions themselves and perpetuate the damage. But I suspect you may know that already.

I like the way Emily McDowell portrays this process in this lovely graphic here. So practice labeling your thoughts and get back to your five senses, and good luck with that presentation, I have confidence you can pull it off!

Let me know if this helps in the comment section below.

Love,

Noam

A world of mirrors

This is a world of mirrors.

But what does it mean?

In the Hakomi method, we learn that each of us has a set of core beliefs which develop as early as from our time in the womb and throughout our early childhood and beyond. These core beliefs are like invisible lenses that we wear unbeknownst to our conscious self, and through which we view the world, others and ourselves. For example, someone who had experienced repeated, even benign and non-malicious neglect at early childhood, may well develop a core belief that their needs will never be met, or that their needs are unimportant. Derivatives of such a core belief can lead to strategic, coping choices we make in our lives, for example, by being prone to take care of others, often at our own expense (perhaps thinking ourselves undeserving), or that we will grow to be very self reliant and not believe that we can ever delegate or trust others to be there for us. Some of you may find this particular one quite familiar. And there are many such possible core beliefs… I am valued for what I do, not for who I am. The universe is out to get me. I can’t be vulnerable and real and be loved at the same time, etc., etc.

Now, here’s the kicker - if this is a world of mirrors, and what triggers us is often not what happens to us, but, rather, as Byron Katie likes to point out, our thoughts about what happens to us, we might have more agency to change our situation than we believe we do. You may have heard in the past the saying “our thoughts create our reality” and maybe you believe it is true, and maybe you don’t. Regardless of whether you buy into this concept or not, answer this question to yourself: when you project unto others, such as your partner, spouse or a friend, that they will never be there for you when you need them, or that they can’t possibly understand or even hold your complexities and your fears, can’t meet you in the way you need to be met, or see you in the way you want to be seen, guess what role they will play in your life? You guessed it: they will mirror to you the role you had cast them in. They will be the ones who can’t hold or understand you, meet you or see you in the way you need to be met and seen. And rest assured, your mind will find a million ways to justify just how unreliable they are, how impossible true vulnerability is, and how you should never ever go there (to a place of full, unwavering trust) because if you do, per the mind, you will only be disappointed and this will surely hurt your fragile heart so very much. By the way, you may notice, that these beliefs are all projecting into the future, based on your past experiences. Our minds are very good at pattern recognition. So good, they may recognize patterns even when they are not really there. They are meaning making machines, about the future, based on past experiences, and they constantly try to predict the future to create (a preferred state of) safety and (the illusion of) control.

Now, does this mean that everybody around us is trustworthy? No. Not necessarily. But, if my wounding (my unmet need, my painful past experience) is around trust (say, as a child I’ve been gaslit, or not been met the way I needed to be met), I may need to make a bit of room for the possibility that the story my mind is telling me about my loved one, partner, friend, might not be as solid as my mind is reporting it to be. That I just might have other options except buying it lock, stock and barrel. One option I find useful, is to put a question mark at the end of thoughts like “I can’t possibly share this with them!”, like so: “Can’t I possibly share this with them? Really?”. Or as Byron Katie says: can I absolutely know that it’s true? This simple move can help create some space, some wiggle room around that tight thought, and you never know, next, you might just decide to meet your fear and lean into checking it out for real (more on how to do that, perhaps in my next post). For real? As in not in thoughts and projections (always a good idea to check the fear out when the fear is thought-originated). Often times this may mean you stop casting the other in their old role, and when you stop casting them in that role, you may be surprised to find out that they just might stop playing it… Now, wouldn’t that be nice?

There’s something liberating about the fact that it’s in our own hands, isn’t there? Scary and exciting at the same time? A wise person once said, if it’s scary and exciting, you should probably try it.

Love,

Noam