Kristin Neff has long been trying to convince us that self compassion is a stronger motivator than self esteem. She has the data to back it up, as the Ph.D. who researched this topic for years and compiled the results (you can find her wonderful book here). What is self compassion? Jack Kornfield stresses that if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. Neff defines self compassion as “acting the same way (as you would act towards another - NK) towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?””. She determines that self compassion is comprised of three elements: 1) self kindness vs. self judgment. Neff sums it up: “Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals“; 2) common humanity vs. isolation - just like in the Buddhist practice of Tonglen the idea is to know that suffering is a shared human experience, you are not alone in it; 3) mindfulness vs. self-identification. She defines mindfulness as “a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.”
And what is not self compassion? Self pity, self indulgence, or self esteem. The latter is a major culprit of a lot of egoic-based issues in our culture. Self esteem is all about comparing oneself to the other. How am I doing compared with my neighbor? This leads to stress, competitiveness, and a constant game of one-upmanship including having to put the other person down so I can stand on the higher ground.
One would think that competitiveness should be a strong motivator compared with self compassion, so what’s going on here? It might be true that on the way up, e.g., when things are going well for you, you have a leg up with self esteem which can pump your ego, your adrenaline and dopamine. But life is not a game of just up, up and up, is it? It’s a game of ups and downs, joy and suffering, even though we think it would be better if it only went up and up… (would we really want that? Alan Watts has something to say about this too, watch).
Neff explains, that self compassion is basically better overall to meet the nature of life’s ups and downs. Yes, you might not have as strong of a motivation going up as you do with comparative self esteem, but - when life gives you lemons, you are more likely to turn them into lemonade with self compassion than you are with self esteem which will make you feel like you are worthless and suck at what just failed for you: “self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” - the way I read this, and experience it, is that your overall batting average will be better with self compassion than with self esteem.
So, how do you develop your capacity for self compassion? People often times find it harder to develop self compassion, especially if you are someone who was put down by teachers, peers or parents during your childhood and internalized the harsh critical voice as your own. Well, thankfully, Kristin Neff’s website is a treasure trove of resources on how to help yourself to greater self compassion, from free MP3 audio guided meditations, to various exercises you can practice. I highly recommend visiting and downloading some. That said, I am sorry to disappoint you if you think that downloading them to your phone and placing your phone next to your head at night while you sleep will take care of things by way of osmosis… Unfortunately, you will need to practice. Daily. For weeks and even months. Hey, that critical inner voice you know so well, had years to develop… so it’s got a leg up on you when you start. But seriously, until we figure out the osmosis bit, practice, practice and practice. And while you are practicing, remember that having compassion for others and making sure to include yourself in that practice is a great way to sneak self compassion into your inner world. Tonglen again is a wonderful practice to try. Here are a couple of helpful videos to get you started. Pema Chödrön and Tara Brach (be sure to reset the video to the start on that Tara Brach one… for some reason it skips to the middle…)
Share your thoughts below. I hope this helps.
Love,
Noam