This is a world of mirrors.
But what does it mean?
In the Hakomi method, we learn that each of us has a set of core beliefs which develop as early as from our time in the womb and throughout our early childhood and beyond. These core beliefs are like invisible lenses that we wear unbeknownst to our conscious self, and through which we view the world, others and ourselves. For example, someone who had experienced repeated, even benign and non-malicious neglect at early childhood, may well develop a core belief that their needs will never be met, or that their needs are unimportant. Derivatives of such a core belief can lead to strategic, coping choices we make in our lives, for example, by being prone to take care of others, often at our own expense (perhaps thinking ourselves undeserving), or that we will grow to be very self reliant and not believe that we can ever delegate or trust others to be there for us. Some of you may find this particular one quite familiar. And there are many such possible core beliefs… I am valued for what I do, not for who I am. The universe is out to get me. I can’t be vulnerable and real and be loved at the same time, etc., etc.
Now, here’s the kicker - if this is a world of mirrors, and what triggers us is often not what happens to us, but, rather, as Byron Katie likes to point out, our thoughts about what happens to us, we might have more agency to change our situation than we believe we do. You may have heard in the past the saying “our thoughts create our reality” and maybe you believe it is true, and maybe you don’t. Regardless of whether you buy into this concept or not, answer this question to yourself: when you project unto others, such as your partner, spouse or a friend, that they will never be there for you when you need them, or that they can’t possibly understand or even hold your complexities and your fears, can’t meet you in the way you need to be met, or see you in the way you want to be seen, guess what role they will play in your life? You guessed it: they will mirror to you the role you had cast them in. They will be the ones who can’t hold or understand you, meet you or see you in the way you need to be met and seen. And rest assured, your mind will find a million ways to justify just how unreliable they are, how impossible true vulnerability is, and how you should never ever go there (to a place of full, unwavering trust) because if you do, per the mind, you will only be disappointed and this will surely hurt your fragile heart so very much. By the way, you may notice, that these beliefs are all projecting into the future, based on your past experiences. Our minds are very good at pattern recognition. So good, they may recognize patterns even when they are not really there. They are meaning making machines, about the future, based on past experiences, and they constantly try to predict the future to create (a preferred state of) safety and (the illusion of) control.
Now, does this mean that everybody around us is trustworthy? No. Not necessarily. But, if my wounding (my unmet need, my painful past experience) is around trust (say, as a child I’ve been gaslit, or not been met the way I needed to be met), I may need to make a bit of room for the possibility that the story my mind is telling me about my loved one, partner, friend, might not be as solid as my mind is reporting it to be. That I just might have other options except buying it lock, stock and barrel. One option I find useful, is to put a question mark at the end of thoughts like “I can’t possibly share this with them!”, like so: “Can’t I possibly share this with them? Really?”. Or as Byron Katie says: can I absolutely know that it’s true? This simple move can help create some space, some wiggle room around that tight thought, and you never know, next, you might just decide to meet your fear and lean into checking it out for real (more on how to do that, perhaps in my next post). For real? As in not in thoughts and projections (always a good idea to check the fear out when the fear is thought-originated). Often times this may mean you stop casting the other in their old role, and when you stop casting them in that role, you may be surprised to find out that they just might stop playing it… Now, wouldn’t that be nice?
There’s something liberating about the fact that it’s in our own hands, isn’t there? Scary and exciting at the same time? A wise person once said, if it’s scary and exciting, you should probably try it.
Love,
Noam